What I want.

A house filled with trinkets and treasures from around the world.
A place that’s warm and always smells of candles, perhaps a hint of food
Clutter and goodness of the best kind, puzzles scattered on the dining room table, books agape, marked to their favorite passages
Brownies at midnight, constant laughter, love in every corner
Lived in, lived in, lived in
Burgundies and soft firelight yellows
Open windows for breezes to carry in garden scents
Weekend trips to beaches and hikes
A cat curled in the corner
Birds chirping
Hugs, kisses
And always, sound sleeping with arms entangled
Waking only for a forehead kiss
A soft sigh of reflection,
A whispered, “I love you.”

exit, stage right

oh, the delicious torture of it all
revulsed reversion in the most extreme sense
left like a good girl
wanting to be a bad girl
waiting for a return to normalcy
escape escape escape
seemed like such a good idea at the time
never did i ponder
the alone times in the dark
where mind creeps up on body
and whispers sweet deadly nothings into my ears

you made your bed, girl
kiss yourself goodnight

it's raining

I know I've got a great life. I know how lucky I am.

But tonight?

I'm just plain lonely.

~a

the mirage

soft and pliant
ready to go
the stars were aligned,
the cards were stacked.
smiles and sunglasses,
scarf a blowin’
as the top moved back.
engine revving,

bags are packed.

The driver is missing
Breeze has stopped
Seems the car is stalled
The heat is stifling
Lollipop is all alone
Dusty desert doll
Scorpion scurries by

dry baby blues sweep
the horizon

hammock dreams beneath the perseids

You could map the mishaps of recent weeks,
across my scarred face and neck.
Naively, a strong body and hold were
all i wanted to curl beneath.
The safe haven of man with whispered
words of calculated compassion,
sacrifices made to climb that fence
seemed so much smaller when
they were first offered.
The scars are drifting from the outside in,
hitting the chest, beating the heart
drifting back to life with each cigarette breath.
(Yes, I've been smoking lately.)

Missing someone
pales in comparison
to missing yourself.

is this the part where it hurts like hell?

I've not been good lately. I know it. I've been drinking too much, smoking the occasional cigarette...not taking a moment to slow down for fear of my thoughts catching up with me.

I visited the South last week and I finally saw fireflies. As I watched them blink away in the dark, the deep music of southern bugs filling my ears...I thought this sticky sweet moment of solace, was the last for awhile.

Indeed, it's about time for it to hurt.

xo,

~a

fondness for cigarettes

holding stead
eating my words time
and time
again
visions of perfection
marred roads and paths
ignored and spurned
for the easy peasy
sunny days that led
a soft spoken girl astray
it may be bright times
hopeful and pink
with budding blooms
smoke trailing through
sunbeam trees
the base, the ground
cigarettes don't belong
in the Springtime.